Lost and unsure

It has been awhile since I felt I had anything worthwhile to write about. Actually it has been awhile since I wrote anything at all. I have had ideas and there are stories rolling around in my head that I would like to try and breathe life into, but I haven't been motivated to do anything.

November through January hits me pretty hard every year (and starts rough too), but often I cloister myself away from the rest of humanity and actually do some writing to reflect on things. Usually that writing gets tossed aside or deleted (because I think it's crap when I look it over), but this time I didn't even try. Mostly I watched to much Netflix, spent time thinking, and tried to gather folks to play role-playing games (this was a failed venture).

I have come to a few definite conclusions after this time, but like most things are subject to change in time. So for myself and those who are curious here is the general list of those things I have decided:

1. I have a substance abuse problem: I'm not stealing to feed a habit and I do budget for things like drinking so I'm not ruining my bank account or anything like that. No what I can't seem to stop doing is binge usage. If I don't have anything pressing to do I stay at home getting wasted and infrequently clean. This is often the only way I can calm my head, but rarely do I accomplish more than doing the laundry and cleaning the kitchen (a vortex that sucks time even when sober by its unending nature).
2. I have a tendency to tolerate things I see that bother me greatly: This is either a result of me being to judgmental (I hate hearing people breathe and eat sometimes), or cowardice on my part (I worry about upsetting people, because of how infrequently I interact with people). I have also, far to often, been asked to not express myself on a number of subjects over the last year. That last one is slowly driving me insane, and as a result I have had to cut ties with several people who I was friends with.
3. I prefer music without lyrics: I don't have anything deep and profound to say on this just something I've realized. Lyrical complexity just seems to be a thing of the past save for the occasional rap song, which most of the time has content I despise. I even toyed with the thought of trying to write rap lyrics about things that I think matter, but laughed so hard at the thought of me rapping about climate change that I didn't even get more than a couple of lines down.
4. I feel powerless to help others and I don't know how to change it: I want to help others, but fall short on the means to do so. Mostly I have settled on contributing to political campaigns I believe in and helping the local food bank, but I feel like there is more I should do. This probably stems from a hidden desire to better my own situation, but for some reason I consciously dislike the idea of spending money or time on myself. Related to this is the fact that I have friends that would come see me from out of state, but I don't even own a couch for them to crash on and thus have had to turn them away.
5. I have no idea how to spend my vacation days: This has been a problem for me for several years. While it is awesome that I have at least a weeks paid vacation every year I am constantly foiled in my plans to leave the state or even go elsewhere in the state. This may be poor planning on my part, but someone always needs help or some emergency crops up and I spend my travel money on that instead.

I suppose this would make a fine list of new year's resolutions if I was inclined to engage in such frivolity (I believe the time to make changes  in your life is when you realize the change is necessary not at the beginning of the year), but instead I will just work on them as I always do and hope something will actually be accomplished.