I sit with Kaepernick

I am astonished that the outrage at Colin Kaepernick's protest is still a thing. I was not aware that people could take such offense at a black man not standing for the national anthem. I've been refusing to recount The Pledge of Allegiance or stand for the national anthem since I was at job corps back in 2001, nobody's ever said shit to me (white privilege?). My reasons have to do with our foreign war policy, but let's talk about Kaepernick's reasons.

The Black Lives Matter movement is a real protest about racial inequality surrounding parts of American society. It's important to recognize this because if one part is treated differently than that allows the precedent of singling out any group for any reason. This is the core principle of the statement "an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere." 

I have heard people say that they feel Colin Kaepernick is disrespecting the flag and that he should have found another way to protest. Well, that's not how civil disobedience works. The point is to make people uncomfortable until the issue is addressed and resolved. In this way Kaepernick picked the right target. Those complaining need to get over their worship of the flag and recognize that people in this country are being killed in police custody, without an order of execution (which is another rant I will get to at a different time). This is unacceptable all the time.

It further astounds me that people have made this about the American flag. Considering that it's the national anthem that he's protesting, during his taking a knee, I'm not sure exactly how this is connected to the American flag. I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt here, and talk about what the flag actually means.

From a vexillology (the study of flags) perspective it means 13 colonies and 50 states. The colors of the flag are representative as follows  White signifies purity and innocence, Red, hardiness & valour, and Blue, the color of the Chief (the broad band above the stripes) signifies vigilance, perseverance & justice. That's what the flag means and nothing Collin Kaepernick is doing is going to change that, but it might change us into living closer to these ideas.

If you want to know more about the black lives matter movement, and alleviate yourself of some misconceptions you probably have about this movement (I know I had a few and didn't realize it) read more here: http://blacklivesmatter.com/11-major-misconceptions-about-the-black-lives-matter-movement/

Long live Hillary

In case you haven't heard and already dismissed it, Hillary is not dropping out of the race for health reasons. If she had terminal cancer and was in a coma, her heart monitor would beep out directions in morse code for her aides to keep the campaign going. Bernie Sanders is not going to be put up as a candidate by the DNC even if 'one of the second amendment people does something about Hillary- Donald Trump.' No one has wanted and planned to be president as much as Hillary Clinton. Let's move on from any residual denial about this.

But what if she does leave the race, Bernie makes the most sense.

No from the establishment point of view Joe Biden makes the most sense. He too will continue the work of the current administration, and people actually like him in large numbers. The only way Bernie was going to be the nominee is if overwhelming numbers came out for him and the DNC was forced into it. That time has passed.

Alone at 3 AM

It's strange for me to feel alone in a negative fashion. Tonight, or this morning depending on your perspective, it weighs on me. I don't really have an explanation why, and it didn't hit me until I was watching a episode of Star Trek Voyager, Homestead to be exact. it's the one where the character Neelix ends up leaving and staying with his people at what is like the last outpost of them to ever be found.

They got me thinking about who my people are. I've known enough people over the years that I'm not even sure how many friends have died at this point. I don't think any of my former lovers have passed away so far, but at least four of them have gotten married and two are on their second or third marriages. This has often lead me to believe that I have a shortcoming when it comes to attempting or creating long-lasting relationships that are close. In short, generally I don't feel connected to humanity.

Some Isis recruiter or FBI agent is going to read that and freak out for related, but opposite reasons. Seriously though, I've never heavily invested myself in more than one or two people at a time, and sometimes not even that many. This dates all the way back even to elementary school as far as I can remember. Books always seemed to have a better investment return than people.

I know how this happened, and I know what I'm supposed to do to change it. I just haven't felt the particular urge to do so. Hopefully, I haven't hurt too many people that have known me or are in contact with me on Facebook, but I am who I am. If you haven't figured out that I'm flaky and distant by now, then you're probably guilty of the same things. 

So in conclusion this is why I am alone, and actually feeling lonely tonight. I may actually expand on some of this at a later time, but you know flaky and distant. 

In memory of Terry Williams

I just got the news that my friend passed away. In the process of grieving I realized that not everyone knows how this man impacted my life, and if not for him and others my life would have turned out differently. Terry was one of my personal heroes and this is how it happened.

I met Terry at Job Corps shortly after I had been exiled from my home state of Montana back in 2000. The why of how that happened isn't important, but it does illustrate how I was spiraling downward in my life at the time. I didn't have many friends and I didn't believe I was going to live to see my 30s. 

At the time I accepted this, and was just looking for the next easy score and party. I didn't invest myself in people except for how much I could get from them. I was the person your parents warned you about in short. I guess I just loved being the bad guy back then.My boyfriend at the time told me he was going to play a game with some people and invited me along. I sat down and watched my first world of darkness role-playing session over the next couple of hours. I was hooked and asked if I could join. I could tell some of the the group was hesitant, but Terry said yes and I started learning what friends really were.

Gaming gave me a healthy outlet for my more anti-social tendencies, and the escapism provided by it allowed me to forget the pain of my life. I was able to relax around these people in a way I wouldn't have dared previously. Terry was a big part of that.

When I decided I wanted to try running a game, Terry was one of the guys whose advice I sought. I have played under many storytellers, but Terry had a gift for stories that pulled you into the world quickly. He was also quick to adapt to obnoxious activity by players (such as a naga calling a garou a Bastet for those who were there). This would have been enough to make Terry stand out and give me reason to grieve, but there's more.

A few years after we had all left job corps I hit another low in my life as a meth addict. I hadn't been in contact with my friends from job corps and was pursuing a new life of crime. As the DEA was sweeping through and making arrests I knew it was a just a matter of time before I was going to get caught, but I couldn't see an out for myself.

Out of the blue I got a phone call from some of my job corps friends who were helping Terry move from Billings to Denver. They wanted to see what was up with me. Had it been anyone else I would have probably lied, but these were my safe friends and I told them. Terry and the rest insisted that I go with them to Denver. I stayed long enough to collect the money I was owed, clean up my place, and left my life of intentional crime behind. Two days later the DEA raided where I had been living.

If not for Terry and others I wouldn't have learned that the word friend could mean more than asset. I would have gone to jail and likely still be a criminal. I would never have become a storyteller, aspiring writer and amateur game designer. I wouldn't be who I am today.

Terry was a great friend to many people, but he helped save me twice in some of my lowest times. I regret never taking the time to tell him that, but I can tell all of you. Terry Williams is one of my personal heroes, and he is missed.

Sigh...

Well the day started nice, but so far my co-worker is bitchy due to lack of sleep. I mouthed off to someone I shouldn't have at work cause I didn't recognize the phone number of the text they sent me. Now I feel like I'm having an emotional over-reaction and I just want to hide in bed. FML

Have a picture

Berning down the store

So I'm a big fan of The Nightly Show, and I love the issues they bring into the social consciousness through humor. If not for the hard work of the correspondants there I might not be as informed of current events to research on my own. However I want to address the meme at the top and the idea behind it.

Bernie Sanders supporters don't owe anyone their vote. If we become discouraged by the actions of the Hillary Clinton campaign and the Democratic national convention and decide not to vote, or hate vote for Donald Trump, that's our business. Personally if Bernie Sanders isn't an option I will probably vote for Jill Stein, because at least her campaign is in line with my own thinking, and I get to say I've voted for a woman. Bonus progressive points to me!!!

Hillary Clinton has spat on progressives in this country by refusing to move further left, calling us uninformed, telling us we're unrealistic, and now fear mongering by using Donald Trump as a big scary monster. A Clinton presidency stands for interventionist wars, continued voter suppression, ogliarchy, lack of Wall Street regulation, lack of meaningful address to climate change, and use of the death penalty. Why would any Sanders supporter choose to support her after being treated in such a way, and considering her stances on things we care about? 

Donald Trump is a racist narcissistic blowhard that may cause World War III, but at least I won't have to pay an insurance company for a service I can't afford to use even though I pay the monthly subscription. At least Donald Trump understands how disastrous trade policies, that Clinton has supported, are for the working class of this country. Maybe a Trump presidency will temper America into a progressive change in 2020 when he gets voted out. Only time will tell, but he won't get my vote either.

I vote for policy not for fear. If Sanders is an option I vote for him. If he isn't I vote for Jill Stien, because Hillary and Trump don't deserve the modicum of political force I wield by voting. If you are so afraid of a president Trump then maybe you should join the revolution. As Bernie supporters are primarily made of the youngest voters in the country we will win. In time those who oppose us will die of old age until we are all that is left. We don't want Trump, but we can survive him.

Picture day

A picture

This is amazing and bizarre all at once

Why I feel the Bern, part1

I used to have a strongly libertarian point of view. For a couple of decades this was the only ideology that really made sense to me, and seem fair. Unfortunately it made me blind to many of the existing problems for others in this country.

Now I was never so foolish as to believe that racism didn't exist, but it wasn't until the death of Eric Garner that I really started to empathize. I had a real what the fuck moment and started thinking 'what if that had been me?' That terrified me to no end and I started looking into other issues. In a very short time I learned that we as a country have a big damn problem with treating those we think of as others as equals.

There was also this nagging question. What if I never make it as more than a janitor? I like my job for a variety of reasons and have repeatedly said I won't leave without giving my bosses the chance to make a better offer, but what if? I actually make more than Hillary Clinton's proposed minimum wage of $12 per hour and I have nothing in savings. I do have an IRA, but I can only afford 0.5% more than my employers match on it. I have health insurance, but I can't afford to go to the doctor because of the deductible. I don't own a car but I do have lots of student debt that often I have to skip paying to buy groceries. I can't even leave my current apartment because my credit is so bad, because of missed student loan payments, no one will rent to me and my girlfriend.

I would like to be more than a janitor, but the writing market is really tight and it could be years before I might be able to support myself in that kind of career, if ever. I can't go back to school until my current debt is paid and that could be ten or twenty years at this rate. Then I'm in my 50s and how much impact in the fields of study I am interested in am I going to really have before I die or retire. Men in my family don't tend to make it to their 80s, so I'd have maybe 10 years in the field, a ton of debt, and still no house.

Kids aren't financially viable for us either and we're in our mid thirties. At this point we've had to give up on the idea of raising a family. Since paid family leave isn't really a thing in our part of the country, we can't afford to take the time off from work. Not to mention that diapers and other necessities of childcare are simply out of our reach. We both work at least 40 hours a week making roughly 12 dollars an hour and we cannot afford for anything to go wrong much less kids. How is that fair, and achieving the American dream?

I know I am not as bad off as many people in this country and I have the advantage of being a white male, but if I can't do better than this then how the fuck can anyone really make it? I know people do, but it's rare and getting rarer every year the way things are going.

Playing royal #2

Well I did get some more details on the vampire prince I will be playing. Specifically what he knows about the troubles the player characters (PCs) have been involved with. The list goes, in no particular order, as follows:

• A Malkavian vampire named Daniel had his house burned down. Symbols connected with the Anarchs (PCs) were found at the scene. Nosferatu claim that one of the persons seen there was using the discipline of Obfuscation.
• A large group of vampire hunters seems to have followed the PCs into the city.
• There was suspicious activity around a traveling carnival that showed up around the same time the players did.
• Movement in the drug trade which is traditionally Brujah territory
• The Harpy had to kick several anarchs out of his territory.
• A breach of the Masquerade (leaving evidence of vampire kind where humans can find it) which consisted of 4 corpses drained of blood with anarch symbols found around them.

Normally most of of these things wouldn't be something the Prince would bother with, but that last one calls for an execution. I'm not sure how to go about it though. The tradition of Elysium, where they are to meet the Prince, doesn't allow for violence. As the PCs have shown themselves to be a violent group it is questionable that they will handle this kind of accusation and sentence well.

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Playing royal #3

My thoughts on how the game session went while playing the prince are fairly positive. no break downs and the squabbling stayed mostly in game. We had a moment where one of the players started arguing with me because I forgot that the version of Vampire: the Masquerade we are using has six Traditions. Even though I had explained that I was referring to the one concerning vampires killing each other the player thought it was time to correct me while the scene was live. Luckily the storyteller got right on to of the situation and stopped the discussion. He explained that the prince wouldn't of made such a faux pas and to continue as if it hadn't happened.

Besides that hiccup game was fun. We got deep into some of the inner politics of the city. There was an attempted coup, but I was ruthless enough in my decisions and timing that the city was brought back to heel within the night (so it seems). I only executed one character myself, but the prince went off scene to fight in a battle and won. I actually had more fun convincing various characters to run about and trying to appease the character I was playing, but who doesn't appreciate being catered to on occasion. I did find out that some of the players at least are attempting to work the background politics which is super awesome.

It also signals my tentative return to the game. Things actually seem to have gotten better and they are starting to really explore the richness of vampire society. I will most likely be bringing in a newer vampire as my character and start asking them questions. The questions will focus on how they do things as a group and what do the labels they a have accepted unto themselves (anarchs) mean to them. Basically I am going to try and get into deep discussions about the nature of the creatures we are portraying and the details of their power structure.

Hopefully some of them will want to engage in this level of character development, which will keep me from getting bored and dwelling on minor frustrations. Thanks for reading.

The Angry Man #1

The following is a work of fiction and should not be interpreted as anything else. 

Burning the town to the ground wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped. Usually when I get to see people wailing about the destruction of their homes and livelihood it fills me with a sense of peace. The hate I have for the world is quelled and I can sleep quietly. I know that part of the kindness the world has shown me is returned and feel the balance of the world is closer than it was the day before.

Not this time. Instead I feel hollow and tired. It was hard even to direct the fire wurm I had conjured to swallow the villager who attempted to strike me. I saw him stand from where the villagers huddled in the snow in terror. I recognized the hate in his eyes that pushed him to attack me, and all I felt was indifferent. The fire wurm itself caused me more ire as it was slow to react to my whim. If not for the anger caused by its disobedience the villager might of succeeded in driving his dagger into my throat.

I sit upon this rock contemplating these things. The fires consume the straw thatch of the roofs, hissing as the snow melts and turns to steam. I gaze at the villagers, surrounded by the skeletons of their ancestors that I raised, and wonder what to do with them. Usually I leave them to scatter, or kill them and use their corpses for necromantic projects, but this time neither option seems worthwhile.

Playing royal

Despite the fact that I left the vampire game beyond some time ago. I have volunteered to come back to play the Prince of the City. The challenge here for me is to portray an ancient creature whose plans unravel over decades and who always seeks the long view. I don't expect this to be a reoccurring role, but it will be nice to see some of the group again. It will probably twist the tails of a few other players, but I think the point is for the prince to do that anyway.

I have to call the storyteller tonight to see what things the prince is supposed to speak to the rabble about. It would also be nice to have an idea about what the players might want to know from the prince. Lastly I need to find out what hooks I am supposed to throw out for the group.

I will post more on this after I finish collecting those pieces of information. Thanks for reading.

Lost and unsure

It has been awhile since I felt I had anything worthwhile to write about. Actually it has been awhile since I wrote anything at all. I have had ideas and there are stories rolling around in my head that I would like to try and breathe life into, but I haven't been motivated to do anything.

November through January hits me pretty hard every year (and starts rough too), but often I cloister myself away from the rest of humanity and actually do some writing to reflect on things. Usually that writing gets tossed aside or deleted (because I think it's crap when I look it over), but this time I didn't even try. Mostly I watched to much Netflix, spent time thinking, and tried to gather folks to play role-playing games (this was a failed venture).

I have come to a few definite conclusions after this time, but like most things are subject to change in time. So for myself and those who are curious here is the general list of those things I have decided:

1. I have a substance abuse problem: I'm not stealing to feed a habit and I do budget for things like drinking so I'm not ruining my bank account or anything like that. No what I can't seem to stop doing is binge usage. If I don't have anything pressing to do I stay at home getting wasted and infrequently clean. This is often the only way I can calm my head, but rarely do I accomplish more than doing the laundry and cleaning the kitchen (a vortex that sucks time even when sober by its unending nature).
2. I have a tendency to tolerate things I see that bother me greatly: This is either a result of me being to judgmental (I hate hearing people breathe and eat sometimes), or cowardice on my part (I worry about upsetting people, because of how infrequently I interact with people). I have also, far to often, been asked to not express myself on a number of subjects over the last year. That last one is slowly driving me insane, and as a result I have had to cut ties with several people who I was friends with.
3. I prefer music without lyrics: I don't have anything deep and profound to say on this just something I've realized. Lyrical complexity just seems to be a thing of the past save for the occasional rap song, which most of the time has content I despise. I even toyed with the thought of trying to write rap lyrics about things that I think matter, but laughed so hard at the thought of me rapping about climate change that I didn't even get more than a couple of lines down.
4. I feel powerless to help others and I don't know how to change it: I want to help others, but fall short on the means to do so. Mostly I have settled on contributing to political campaigns I believe in and helping the local food bank, but I feel like there is more I should do. This probably stems from a hidden desire to better my own situation, but for some reason I consciously dislike the idea of spending money or time on myself. Related to this is the fact that I have friends that would come see me from out of state, but I don't even own a couch for them to crash on and thus have had to turn them away.
5. I have no idea how to spend my vacation days: This has been a problem for me for several years. While it is awesome that I have at least a weeks paid vacation every year I am constantly foiled in my plans to leave the state or even go elsewhere in the state. This may be poor planning on my part, but someone always needs help or some emergency crops up and I spend my travel money on that instead.

I suppose this would make a fine list of new year's resolutions if I was inclined to engage in such frivolity (I believe the time to make changes  in your life is when you realize the change is necessary not at the beginning of the year), but instead I will just work on them as I always do and hope something will actually be accomplished.