So I've been reading Common Sense, by Thomas Paine, but I'm having trouble concentrating. My thoughts keep turning back towards the group I play vampire with and my social interactions in general. Strictly speaking whether or not I should have any.
Most people aren't aware that I don't like being in public. Those who have heard me say as much often treat it with skepticism, but I think that's because I seem to be constantly fluttering about at social gatherings. I generally have comments about current events and greater insight into what is happening in the world to share, and I rarely cause a scene. I'm willing to engage on just about any topic that doesn't concern my personal history, and actively encourage others to talk about themselves. I also rarely feel the need to assert my own thoughts as correct, and generally smile and nod when people tell me I'm wrong unless I have something else to reinforce my point in a subtle way. All the hallmarks of a master diplomat or politician, which I will never be because of my personal history. To many skeletons.
Despite all this I really don't like being in public, mostly because I can't go to even a grocery store without someone complimenting me on how I look, dress, or my choice in purchases. That last one is actually part of the reason I started buying generic brands, so that people would have less of a reason to be attracted to me. I know how it sounds, but to give an example I went out to eat and shop today and I was stopped three times by people who don't know me. One guy was convinced that I had been in a movie he'd seen, another thought my outfit was awesome, and a woman thought my hair was lovely. So three times I had to thank complete strangers for their words while all I wanted was to buy some goddamned tuna fish.
I guess I should be grateful that people notice me and want to talk to me. I'm sure as I get older it will fade, and then I will get to bemoan how no one ever sees me. Trouble is that I feel that way now and always have. Maybe that's the reason I exist, as some piece of artwork to inspire feelings in others. Yeah that's great, because everyone wants to grow up to be a cliche like the handsome dark brooding mysterious stranger. All to often I feel like a character written in a book, but without the agency to control my story.
That's all I have to get out right now, until next time goodnight.
Most people aren't aware that I don't like being in public. Those who have heard me say as much often treat it with skepticism, but I think that's because I seem to be constantly fluttering about at social gatherings. I generally have comments about current events and greater insight into what is happening in the world to share, and I rarely cause a scene. I'm willing to engage on just about any topic that doesn't concern my personal history, and actively encourage others to talk about themselves. I also rarely feel the need to assert my own thoughts as correct, and generally smile and nod when people tell me I'm wrong unless I have something else to reinforce my point in a subtle way. All the hallmarks of a master diplomat or politician, which I will never be because of my personal history. To many skeletons.
Despite all this I really don't like being in public, mostly because I can't go to even a grocery store without someone complimenting me on how I look, dress, or my choice in purchases. That last one is actually part of the reason I started buying generic brands, so that people would have less of a reason to be attracted to me. I know how it sounds, but to give an example I went out to eat and shop today and I was stopped three times by people who don't know me. One guy was convinced that I had been in a movie he'd seen, another thought my outfit was awesome, and a woman thought my hair was lovely. So three times I had to thank complete strangers for their words while all I wanted was to buy some goddamned tuna fish.
I guess I should be grateful that people notice me and want to talk to me. I'm sure as I get older it will fade, and then I will get to bemoan how no one ever sees me. Trouble is that I feel that way now and always have. Maybe that's the reason I exist, as some piece of artwork to inspire feelings in others. Yeah that's great, because everyone wants to grow up to be a cliche like the handsome dark brooding mysterious stranger. All to often I feel like a character written in a book, but without the agency to control my story.
That's all I have to get out right now, until next time goodnight.
