Alone at 3 AM

It's strange for me to feel alone in a negative fashion. Tonight, or this morning depending on your perspective, it weighs on me. I don't really have an explanation why, and it didn't hit me until I was watching a episode of Star Trek Voyager, Homestead to be exact. it's the one where the character Neelix ends up leaving and staying with his people at what is like the last outpost of them to ever be found.

They got me thinking about who my people are. I've known enough people over the years that I'm not even sure how many friends have died at this point. I don't think any of my former lovers have passed away so far, but at least four of them have gotten married and two are on their second or third marriages. This has often lead me to believe that I have a shortcoming when it comes to attempting or creating long-lasting relationships that are close. In short, generally I don't feel connected to humanity.

Some Isis recruiter or FBI agent is going to read that and freak out for related, but opposite reasons. Seriously though, I've never heavily invested myself in more than one or two people at a time, and sometimes not even that many. This dates all the way back even to elementary school as far as I can remember. Books always seemed to have a better investment return than people.

I know how this happened, and I know what I'm supposed to do to change it. I just haven't felt the particular urge to do so. Hopefully, I haven't hurt too many people that have known me or are in contact with me on Facebook, but I am who I am. If you haven't figured out that I'm flaky and distant by now, then you're probably guilty of the same things. 

So in conclusion this is why I am alone, and actually feeling lonely tonight. I may actually expand on some of this at a later time, but you know flaky and distant.