It's hard being sad most of the time.

This isn't a cry for help but simply me going through a moment and sorting it out. You may find this depressing so continue reading at your own peril.

There is the steady possibility of me being sad about nothing or anything at any and every moment of my life. I was told at a young age that I had seasonal chronic depression. I can only take the doctor's word for this, because I don't have any qualifications to diagnose such a disease. I can tell you about what it is like to be me day to day, and how I feel about some of the things I have seen.

Before getting into all of that I want to explain chronic seasonal depression as it was explained to me. Picture a black line stretching out unwaveringly. This is our baseline for human emotion, it is neither happy or sad it is simply where the average person starts from. 

Now picture a blue line stretching out one inch to the right of the black line. This is our baseline for the emotional state of wanting to kill ones self, or extreme depression. Everything in between is varying degrees of sadness.

Now picture a red line a quarter of an inch to the right of the black line. This is me, because I like the color red and it's my line diagram. It also represents my baseline emotional state or where I start from. This is what I was told chronic depression is like visually. It also means it is harder for me to reach a state of contentment than the average person, much less being happy, but wait there's more.

The seasonal part means that I get a special bout of major depression roughly every three months. Going back to the visual example, picture the lines traveling along for about four inches. At the three inch mark my red line goes from being a quarter of an inch right of the black line all the way to the blue line, you know the one that can result in death. Some times it lasts for a couple of days and sometimes it goes for weeks, but eventually it goes back to being the less than happy standard of being just kinda sad again. You could say that the excitement of terror is built into my brain and that I am blessed with the inability to be bored for very long. Don't say that, it will make me unhappy with you to say the least.

So one of the certain constants in my life as a result of this is if I can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning I don't. One of the things writing in this blog helps me do is find that reason. Granted most of the time I lay naked in bed and simply shout at my iPhone to write my entry, but it is the very first thing I do. Even before the basic urge of a morning piss.

Even the need to piss can't trump the urge to lay in bed sometimes. I have literally been so upset upon waking that the thought of dying, so that I don't have to get up, seems better than reliving myself. Writing this blog gets me past that sadness in a way basic biology won't, because of the hope it gives me.

A faint hope that out there, in internet land, there are people who read the things I have to say and might miss me. I know some of my friends read these posts to break up the monotony of their day at work and they like me, but damn it is hard to remember that most of the time. Another fun constant of my condition or disease or whatever the fuck modern psychology is calling it this year.

I have lots more to say on this subject but for now I am going to leave you with a picture of kitties, because kitties are good and happy things. Also I need to feed my fish. Fun fact: fish owners are the most happy of all the different pet owners according to statistical polls. I laughed long and hard when I read that fun little factoid.